


my heart fell dead before

by nontiscordardime



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Melrin is confusing, Oblivious, Pining Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), arthur's internal monologue, im american please dont bully me, no beta we die like men, they're both idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26233936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nontiscordardime/pseuds/nontiscordardime
Summary: Arthur is often confused at Merlin's behavior, so, of course, he tries to figure him out.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Kudos: 58





	my heart fell dead before

Arthur knew, he just knew, there was more to him than he was letting on. 

Or maybe, it wasn’t that Merlin was hiding anything, it could have just been Arthur not knowing what to look for, asking the wrong questions. Maybe Arthur wanted Merlin to be more than he seemed, perhaps because he wanted his closest companion to mean something not only to him but to the world. To the world, he meant nothing… or nothing Arthur knew at least, though he meant the world to Arthur. 

He was definitely frustrated. His whole life Arthur was handed explanations, more than he even wanted. Why this person had to die, or why banquets are necessary, or why magic is evil, why this why that, he was tired of it, but he was also accustomed to it. 

So maybe, Arthur would sometimes think, it’s good that Merlin is hard to see through, completely at least. Perhaps it keeps me on my toes!, he'd think. But that mindset did not last long; he wanted to know everything about Merlin, and not just because he was a control freak! Perhaps it was because he had his fair share of servants that only wanted to manipulate him, only wanted his power, wealth, to be recognized. Arthur couldn’t blame them, not really. But Merlin never asked for anything, save for a day off, though he’d been joking then anyways… 

His father had even said Merlin was like a guardian angel. The more Arthur thought about it the more it made sense, though, of course, he would never say that to Merlin’s face.

Another thing: Arthur’s pride. It made him an arse, very often. His honour and pride would be the death of him, yet the only ones that were adamant to tell him were Morgana and Merlin. Since the day he first met Merlin he was intrigued at his lack of, not only manners but fear. Merlin was not afraid of Arthur, he never had been. If anything, Arthur would cower the day he heard Merlin feared anyone. 

After a couple years, Arthur stopped trying to figure Merlin out. He was satisfied with the companionship they had, which was often 50% arguing and 50% companionable silence, but it meant more to him than he’d let on. He’d never been good at explaining the way he felt. It would always… come out wrong. Arthur would get mad or tired and snap instead because that's what vulnerability did to him. He’d feel bad because instead of Merlin letting himself look sad, or get wounded by his companion’s words, he’d snap right back at him. Arthur supposed then, that Merlin was easier to see through than he originally assumed. 

Okay, maybe he was a control freak, but why did it even matter? Getting to know Merlin was the real fun of it. He enjoyed it; learning things about Merlin. 

Things like how his skin is too sensitive to wear wool, because “I wear the same thing every day Arthur!”, and how he has to sleep in clothes and on his left side, (“You think I had my own bed in Ealdor?”). He was snippy now, more often than not, and Arthur didn’t know why. Perhaps he was on his defense, not wanting Arthur to blow up at him like he did from stress. The apologies always died on his lips after those incidents when he saw Merlin’s face; he could never get his words right. 

How could he tell Merlin that he was his closest companion, that he’s never trusted anyone like he has him? How could he possibly tell him that he wants to spend every waking moment with Merlin and he can’t even begin to explain why? How could Arthur tell him that if anything happened to him, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself? 

“I haven’t seen you smile these past three days.” Merlin snipped at Arthur again, after Arthur felt he laid himself bare. How could he get to him when he already felt he allowed himself to be too vulnerable? Is it not enough? Gods, he just wants Merlin to see; see that he wants to know everything about him, and he should never hold back around Arthur, because they’re not “Prince Arthur and his Servant”, no. They’re simply “Arthur and Merlin”. That’s all he has ever wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> ciao, i hope everyone is doing well. i've had this in my google drive for so long, and i decided to post it today, as it is the first day of my classes.  
> the title is from ee cumming's poem "[All in green went my love riding]", l. 35  
> grammarly was my beta, but i dont have premium, so please enjoy and feel free to comment.  
> this is the first time i've published something in...years so,, whadday'all think? would you like to see more from me? let me know, catch me on tumbr @drmccoynextdoor and on twwt at @emrysdxrcy  
> much love xx


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